In the continuing effort to help out the nice guys everywhere I am adding my first ammendment to my theory of the Nice Guy. Not only is confidence needed but courage also.
to me courage is defined as thus
"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again Tomorrow"
I reference this and place it as a requirement for the following reasons. I am going to go out on a very sturdy limb and say that about 99% of the nice guys out there has experienced heart ache or rejection by the girls that they have encountered in their lives. This is not because I think girls are heartless and cruel, but because that is the nature of the game of love.
Usually those who are working on gaining confidence get nervous I think not because girls make them nervous, but rather I think they subconsciously fear the pain that comes from rejection. The pain I believe comes from two places, their heart and their personality. The reason I say personality is because when you be yourself in a dating situation, you put yourself in a position who you are can be judged by the world. Often times when one is rejected, one mistakenly interprets it as a rejection of who they are. This causes them the mind to try and avoid that pain and as a result create the defense mechanism of nervousness.
The second form of pain comes from the Heart. This area of the human soul is very tender and when pain is felt, it is not the temporary pain that a flesh wound causes, but rather a very deep and lasting pain that resurfaces upon the memory of the very thing that caused the pain. A hot searing knife through the heart is an understatement when talking about this pain. This pain can be consuming and has the ability to affect every aspect of our lives. This pain allows feelings of hopelessness to enter and and feelings of depression. It allows the theft of many happy moments that would have been joyous indeed if it had not been for this profound hurt. This one is by far the most dangerous in the pursuit of love because it can last for years if allowed.
Having felt, very deeply, both of these wounds I understand completely if one would say " I never want to experience that again and therefore will put up as many defenses as possible so that I don't fall in love ever again." It takes so much courage for one who has experienced it and is still willing to open one's self up to a new opportunity to have it happen again. This is why i say courage is required. To be confident in ourself, to be the nice guy that women need us to be we have to be willing to take the pain.
Two things have helped me in overcoming the pain that I have experienced in my life, the first being the gospel. The Knowledge that God has a plan of salvation specifically for me which includes an eternal marriage so long as I keep the commandments, helps me to see it in a different perspective. Also the knowledge that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can overcome any hurt that was ever given brings comfort during the darkest of hours, when all hope really does seem lost. It also has the ability to overcome the loneliness that can also occur as a result of being rejected. If we truly believe and trust in Christ, we are never alone. God is always there to listen to our heart's lament and sends his Spirit to comfort.
The second thing that helps me to get through is my unfaltering faith that my (future) wife is worth the pain, and I would go through ten times as worth if it meant that I could experience the joy that I hope will accompany someone who is sealed for eternity.
Tomorrow is always a new day, new beginnings me that there is a chance for change. We must take courage when attempting to have a relationship. Be yourself without fear of rejection, expose that heart without fear of the excruciating pain that could accompany the decision. Put your trust in the Lord and his plan and know he is mindful of you and he will never leave you comfortless, but will come to you.
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Well put. I am willing to risk dating and even (gasp) marriage again because I know that pain doesn't last forever! If we close ourselves off from pain, we also close ourselves off from happiness.
In the book "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho (I highly suggest reading it if you haven't) it tells of a boy who is in search of a treasure in the deserts of Egypt. The boy has the following conversation with the alchemist:
"Why do we listen to our hearts?" the boy asked.
"Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."
"But my heart is agitated... It has its dreams, it gets emotional... it asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights..."
"Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say."
[Later in their journey the boy comes to the Alchemist again saying:]
"My heart is a traitor... It doesn't want me to go on."
"That makes sense. Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."
"Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?"
"Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world... Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. if you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know its dreams and wishes and will know how to deal with them. You'll never be able to escape from your hear. So it's beter to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow."
The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the desert.
"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night.
"Tell you heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
"Every second of the search is an encounter with God," the boy told his heart.
[The boy's heart] said that all people who are happy have God within them... “We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them....”
"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.
"Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer." From then on, the boy understood his heart. He asked it, please, never to stop speaking to him. [The boy asked the Alchemist] "Is that the one thing I still needed to know?"
"No," the alchemist answered. "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the deser, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.' "
The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before dawn.
You should write a book, I would buy it even though I am not a man! ha
Wow, I never knew you could write like that! I just thought I would drop a line. I got your blog off of Nicki's. It's been a while so I thought I would say Hi and give you my blog. smiletufftb.blogspot.com
Hopefully we will see you soon. Maybe we can all hangout. He He. Say Hi to Billy for me.
Tara
P.S Oh, and trust me. Once you find the right girl, it's all worth it! Hang in there!
You need to post again...it's been a while.
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